I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
