Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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