i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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