So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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