We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
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This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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