i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
