If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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