All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
this is an emotional support booty call
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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