I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
