I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the condom got lost in my hair
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
