Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
