Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
