1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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