i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
