Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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