I'm laying in your front yard are you home
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
