and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
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I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
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Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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