4 words: hood of his car
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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