No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
