The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
