You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Your dad touched me again.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
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There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
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sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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