so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
