I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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