So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
