I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
