Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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