i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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