I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
