$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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