proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
