so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
