You smell like stripper and shame
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
