I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
