I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
