Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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