We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
