four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
