I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
