There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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