Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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