I will die if light touches me.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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