i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
