Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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