When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
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