just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
