It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This house was built for laser tag.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
