that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
