I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
