i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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