So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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