is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
