So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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