I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.