Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.