I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
