Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
