he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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