I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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